Tips from Experts

1Show empathy and compassion (but not hopelessness)

It is important to acknowledge, listen to, and re-state or paraphrase their fears to show that you understand what is causing them to feel distressed.

2Normalize anxiety

• Use pictures of people showing different expressions (e.g., from magazines or books), both facial and entire body, that reflect different emotions and discuss the feelings each person might be experiencing (include anxious expressions among other expressions like sadness, frustration, disappointment, excitement, etc.).
• Use a real-life hero or a fantasy superhero the child has identified, and reflect on how this figure felt anxious but coped and overcame the challenge.

3Explain the false alarm

Anxiety is maintained through avoidance and withdrawal: the goal is to encourage approach and minimize avoidance. Show empathy and compassion, but don’t support avoidance. Sometimes it helps to explain that “When we are anxious, it can feel like a bear chasing us through the woods.”

4Externalize the anxiety

For example, anxiety is like a hungry puppy: the more you feed it (with avoidance), the larger it gets.

Anxiety is like a bully: Boss back the bully! (March & Mulle, 1998). When anxiety tells us to do something (avoid), we:

When we stop responding to anxiety, it will get quieter and quieter and will become a less demanding part of our lives.

5Adopt a “coaching” style

• Parents order or demand; coaches train.
• Focus your child or teen on what they know and successes from the past.
• Ask, “What are some ways we can solve this problem?” rather than solving the problem for them.
• Reward (e.g., praise) all efforts of approach, not only the ones with positive outcomes.

6Build a ladder of “behavioral experiments”

• If your child is having trouble thinking of situations that are difficult, you can suggest some ideas: “Could you have been anxious about ___? Is that something you would like to overcome?”
• Be prepared, and be confident. That is, anticipate what features of the situation are distressing and have ideas in mind for addressing them. Be encouraging and supportive, and exude confidence: it’s amazing how youth will “give it a go” with the right preparation. Your style can influence your child’s willingness to be involved. The exposure tasks are never punitive.
• Your child’s involvement is critical. Increase involvement by soliciting your child’s suggestions and use them when planning the exposure tasks. You can suggest ideas, but include your child’s opinions on how to make the exposure doable.
• The plan may need to be changed to reflect changes in the level of anxiety that is generated in the different situations. Some degree of adjustment is expected.
• Do not “battle” with your child. If your child is resistant to participate, be patient. You can work with them to modify the current plan a bit or generate an alternative practice situation that is a tad easier and doable. Although some negotiation is acceptable, it is important not to allow your child to avoid genuine experience.

Try the free Practice Ladder Builder

7Take care of yourself!

• You may need to manage your own anxiety. Learn to recognize your triggers.
• Find strategies to cope and problem solve, and model the use of these strategies for your child.
• Take care of your needs! You need to have energy and positivity to be in the best shape to help your child, so try to make sure you have calm time to be thoughtful and get support as needed.